Feeling stuck in life is one of the most frustrating experiences you can go through. No matter how much you think about it, you just can’t figure out what to do next.
But this doesn’t have to be as hard as it seems. Sometimes all it takes to break through the noise is one good question.
That probably sounds way too simple, but let me explain. I’d love for you to give it a try.
The Real Problem When You’re Feeling Stuck in Life
Here’s what usually happens. If we’re feeling stuck in life, it’s not usually because we lack options, right? There are all kinds of options out there for where we could go, what direction we could go, what we could do. Often, so many that it can be overwhelming.
And that’s the problem.
Our minds can get overwhelmed with all the choices, by everything that we have to do in our lives, and by how frightening or uncertain our futures can look.
So when we’re in this situation where we feel like something needs to change, but we’re not sure what, we end up chasing the symptoms. We try to make ourselves feel better instead of getting to the root of the issue.
That’s where the power of one well-aimed question comes in.
The Science Behind Breaking Through When You’re Stuck
Sometimes just one question is all it takes to help us get past all the doubt and the noise and the overwhelm and the stress and dive deeper into ourselves where the real answers lie.
There’s actually research that backs this up.
In psychology, there’s this whole process called motivational interviewing. It was designed to help people who feel stuck—people who wanted to change but couldn’t seem to figure out exactly how to go about it.
So instead of giving them advice about what they should do, psychologists would choose very specific open-ended questions to ask, something like “What would your life look like if you made this change you’re thinking about?” or “What matters most to you right now?”
And these kind of questions can work.
Study after study has shown that when people are guided to answer these questions—especially if they’re answering them out loud, which takes a different type of mental processing—they start to shift. They start to move from circling around questions or just feeling in an endless spiral of doubt into actually naming their reasons for change and getting clear on what the change needs to be and what next step they should take.
That’s where momentum begins. That’s when you move out of this stuck place and start moving again, which feels so much better.
Researchers have seen this sort of process help with everything from health decisions to overcoming addiction to just finding direction in everyday life.
Why Most Questions Don’t Help When You Feel Stuck
So that’s what led me to this idea of one revealing question. If entire fields of psychology can use the right questions to help unlock people from these stuck places, why wouldn’t the same thing work for you and me?
I think it would. And I know it does because I’ve used it on myself.
Here’s what I found: a lot of questions that we’re told to ask ourselves or that we hear that we should ask ourselves just kind of add to the noise. They just make us even more confused.
Sometimes when I’ve been in a time of life transition, and I’m searching for answers, I see other people suggesting that you ask yourself this question or that. So I’ve done that, but it hasn’t really helped. I end up spending time sitting down and journaling my answer to these questions, and I still feel just as stuck as before.
I wanted a question that would do the opposite—one that would help you get clear and actually feel like you’re moving just a little bit from this stuck place.
Some Questions Seem Only to Add to that Feeling of Being Stuck
Here’s one of those questions I’ve been told to ask that just left me totally stumped: “What do you really want?”
Often the answer is, “I don’t know.” We’re in this place where we sense that something needs to change, but we’re not really sure what that change needs to look like. If we knew exactly, then we could just move forward and be fine.
But this question can kind of lead to feeling stumped.
It seems direct and aspirational, and I know that many coaches use this, but to me, this is just too broad. I mean, you might have dozens of conflicting desires going on or be blocked from even knowing what you want next. That might be part of the problem that you’re facing.
So I found that this question seems to kind of loop us back into anxiety or confusion and sometimes to make us feel even worse than we did before.
Another Confusing Question
Here’s another question that I’ve heard that you should ask if you’re trying to get out of a stuck place: “What’s holding you back?”
Again, this can be a difficult one to answer. It seems like it should uncover obstacles in our life, right? If we could get rid of what’s holding ourselves back, then we would know what to do next.
But that’s not always the case. In fact, it’s not often the case.
There might be so many answers that rise up in response to that question. What’s holding you back? Well, fear, lack of confidence, money, time. I mean, we live busy lives. There’s all these things going on. If we’re considering a change, especially when we may not know what that change needs to be, well, everything seems to be holding us back.
So listing these things doesn’t really help. Everything could be holding us back! Listing them out and then looking at them is kind of like, okay, that can make me feel even more defeated! And I may believe this is going to be even harder than I thought. So I may feel even more like brushing my concerns under the rug.
It seems to me this question tends to scatter our focus rather than helping us zero in.
Yet Another Kind of Confusing Question
Here’s a third question that can be helpful, but I think it can also end up sending us down paths that we’re not meant to go on.
The question is this: “If you weren’t afraid, what would you do?”
This is supposed to engage the imagination and bypass fear. On one hand, that’s really helpful, because often when we’re thinking about making some change or we feel restless, fear is usually in there somewhere.
We’re afraid of upsetting the apple cart of our lives. We’re afraid of maybe disappointing some other people if we make this change. Or we fear we may not be up to being able to make this change happen the way we would like to.
But for many stuck people, fear is so embedded in this whole experience that there’s no way we can extract it. We can’t even imagine there not being fear. So if we can’t imagine it, then it’s kind of impossible to be able to land on an answer to this question that’s going to be helpful.
If I wasn’t afraid, then I would just go do this and this and this, which can perhaps give us some clarity, but it can still leave us stuck. We may say, “I am afraid and there’s fear involved in all these things!”
An Example
For example, say you’re thinking about changing your occupation. The job you’re in no longer challenges you. You feel pulled towards something else. So if you weren’t afraid, what would you do? You’d probably just leave your job and go do this other thing.
But that doesn’t help because we can’t leave our job and do this other thing. At least, we don’t think we can because we’re afraid of what might happen if we don’t have that regular paycheck coming in. Maybe we have families depending on us. Maybe we have other people that are depending on us. Without that paycheck we could get into financial trouble really quickly.
All these fears come up in response to this question, and just imagining that they are going to be gone doesn’t magically help us take our next step.
So these are good coaching questions in many contexts. Sometimes they can help, but when you’re stuck in life—when you’re considering making a change or when your life is giving you signals that something needs to change—these questions usually don’t help. They often lead to more swirling questions, or they may make you feel even more stuck. In the end, you may start to believe that there’s no way you’re ever going to be able to break out.
The One Question That Actually Works
I went looking for something different: A question that would not scatter your focus or leave you feeling even more stuck. And that’s what makes this one work where others won’t.
Okay, so I won’t make you wait any longer. Here’s the question I landed on.
“What am I pretending not to know?”
It’s just a simple question, but don’t let that fool you. This one works in a way those other questions don’t because it doesn’t ask you to dream up some perfect future or list every obstacle in your way or somehow imagine that fear is magically gone.
It goes straight to the truth that you’ve been dodging.
And in my experience, every time we’re going through some sort of a shift in life, there is something that we’re dodging. We’re not wanting to admit things to ourselves.
An Example: The Job That No Longer Challenges You
Let’s go back to that example. You’re in a job that no longer challenges you. You really feel this pull to do something else.
What are you pretending not to know?
Probably that this job is not going to get any better. Or that things are only going to get worse or at best, stay the same. You’re going to continue feeling unfulfilled for the rest of the time that you stay in this job.
So if you choose safety and you choose that regular paycheck and you choose not to face the fear that you may have about making a change, that’s going to stay the same and you’re going to feel gradually worse about it.
Because I can tell you this one thing: If you feel really dissatisfied about where you are right now, that’s not magically going to get better.
If you can imagine still being in this place where you are right now—and that could be in a job, a relationship, a location, a business, anything like that. If you imagine that five years from now you’re still there, and you feel your body slump into despair, that’s not going to change. That’s only going to get worse.
There isn’t going to be some magical solution that’s just going to pop out of the blue and rescue you from this situation.
So what am I pretending not to know? I’m pretending that somehow this is going to get better. I’m pretending not to know that this isn’t going to change.
Another Example: The Relationship That Wasn’t Working
This question goes straight to the truth that we all dodge when we’re struggling. And after we face that, we can’t stay stuck in the same way.
I remember a relationship that I was in for way too long. If I would have asked myself this question—what am I pretending not to know?—my answer would have been that this is never going to work. No matter how hard I try, how much I try to change myself, how hard I try to shift how I am as a person or how I show up in life, this isn’t going to get any better.
That’s what I was pretending not to know.
I kept thinking I could fix it. That things would change. I kept thinking just one more conversation and we’re going to turn this around. I was pretending not to know that this was impossible and it wasn’t going to work.
Once you realize what you’re pretending not to know, you can’t look at the thing the same way anymore. The problem becomes crystal clear, which forces a certain type of movement.
Why This Question Works When Others Don’t
Now you may be wondering, okay, “Why this question?” Let me show you because once you see how it works, you’re going to understand why this is a question you need when you’re stuck.
It Cuts Through Your Own Avoidance
Here’s the first reason this question works: It cuts through your own avoidance. When you ask yourself “What am I pretending not to know?” it forces you to acknowledge what you’ve been sidestepping perhaps for a long time.
Let’s say that you’re in a business partnership and it hasn’t been going well and your business is starting to go downhill. You can see it. You’ve had many discussions and you’ve tried different things and you’ve put in new systems, but it’s not changing things.
What are you pretending not to know?
That this business partnership is over, that it’s time to take the business a new direction.
Naming that truth is your first step to change. Because as long as we don’t acknowledge the truth, then we can still pretend like we can somehow fix this situation that we’re in by staying in it, which often is not the solution.
It Works Even When Your Mind Is Foggy
Second, this question works even when your mind is foggy. And this is important because when we are facing a life change, we often aren’t thinking clearly. We’re stressed. We may be pulled in different directions. We’re compelled to do something else, but we’re anchored by the lives that we’ve created and everything that’s in them.
So the mind is not thinking as clearly as it might if we were out of that situation.
I can look in hindsight at some of the situations in my life where I had to make a change and say, “Oh, yeah. I can see that very clearly.” But when we’re in it, it’s very confusing most of the time.
So our mind is not thinking clearly, but this question can still work. It’s not asking us to imagine some perfect future where we’re not afraid. It’s not asking us to name every obstacle that’s in the way right now because often times we can’t even sense what every obstacle is.
A lot of questions like that assume that you’re clear-headed enough to imagine your ideal life or to map out these obstacles. But that’s not usually where we are when we’re stuck. We typically can’t see that far ahead. All we can see is what’s right in front of us and how it’s not right.
This question doesn’t ask you to dream or to strategize. All it asks you to do is to notice what’s already true. Even in the fog, the answer to this question rises pretty quickly.
It’s Easy to Remember
And finally, what I like about this question is that it’s easy to remember. What am I pretending not to know?
Long complicated prompts are great if you’re going through a workshop or you’re working with a coach one-on-one. But in the midst of a restless night or a stressful morning commute, when everything that’s wrong about your life comes flooding at you and your stress levels go up, those kind of questions vanish from your brain.
This one is short and it’s sharp and it cuts right to the heart. And the answer often comes faster than you might expect.
The Last Benefit Of This One Question to Help You Get Unstuck
Finally, the last thing I like about this question is that it reframes whatever you might be feeling as data instead of a failure.
This is so important because so many times when we’re in a time of life transition, we can feel like we’ve failed. I failed in this business, with this partnership, in this relationship. We tend to blame ourselves.
And then we may go on to blame ourselves again for not being able to get out of this stuck position. We say, “Why can’t I just make a decision and do it? Why do I keep sitting here in this in-between place?”
But when we ask ourselves what we’re pretending not to know, our own resistance kind of becomes a clue.
Maybe you’re pretending not to know that you’re burned out with whatever you’re doing right now or that you’re afraid of disappointing someone. That isn’t a failure. That’s a signal. That’s data you can use.
Once you see it that way, you can decide what to do about it instead of feeling paralyzed by it, which is kind of huge.
If you can say “All right, what am I pretending not to know? That this business partnership is no longer working.” Bang. There’s the data right there. So then you can shift and say, “What do I need to do to make it so that this business does survive?”
It takes you into a different place.
What am I pretending not to know about this relationship? That it’s been draining me for years. All right. So something needs to be done about that. I can no longer pretend that this is all okay.
This is why this question works when so many others don’t, particularly for when you’re stuck in life.
How to Use This Question To Get Unstuck in Life
So let’s talk about two simple ways you can work with this question in the coming week.
Write It Down in Your Journal
One of the best ways is just to write it down in your journal. Just write on the top of your journal page: What am I pretending not to know? And then start answering with whatever comes to mind.
Don’t edit. Don’t judge it. And don’t worry about making sense. Just give yourself like 5 to 10 minutes and see what shows up on the page.
Ask It When You’re Stuck on a Decision
If journaling isn’t your thing, there is one other way you can try this. Pick a situation this week where you feel stuck. Maybe you’re trying to make a decision and you’re not sure which way to go.
Ask yourself: “What am I pretending not to know?” And then just notice your very first gut response and treat that like a clue.
You Don’t Need All the Answers Right Now
Here’s what I’m hoping you’ll take away from this. You don’t need to have every answer right now for what needs to happen in your future. Sometimes all it takes is one honest question to break the cycle of being stuck and help you see the next small move.
If you’d like some help getting started, grab the free “Signals Journal” today.
Featured photo by Johannes Krupinski on Unsplash.